By Heather Quinlan

There’s no part of a breakup more rewarding and agonizing than the no-contact thing. For those of you who don’t know (I didn’t), it’s when you cut off all contact with your ex for a designated period of time. No emails, no “sorry, my butt must’ve dialed you” phone calls, no “accidental” appearances near his home. (“I know I live 40 blocks away, but your farmer’s market is the only one with venison sausage.” Ok, never mind, that’s a pretty airtight excuse in NYC.)

My ex and I had been together for almost seven years, and for the first few months after we broke up, all I could do was sit on my hands and stare at the TV. (And listen to songs that didn’t remind me of him – like Gil Scot-Heron’s “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.”) But ironically one of the things that kept me going was the possibility that if I kept my distance, he would so desperately miss me that he’d show up at my door full of apologies and roses. Or even better, with a singing telegram. (NB I LOVE singing telegrams.) It worked for my mom with my step-dad. And, come to think of it, with my mom and dad. Well, apparently my path is a little different! Though the fantasy didn’t play out as I imagined, what did happen was that by staying the course – whatever my reasons for doing it – I was able to take back a lot of the dignity I had given away, especially in the rotten final months of our togetherness. I came to grips with the ending a lot quicker than if I’d kept myself tied to him – however tenuously – and rebuilt a life that has ultimately been far more fulfilling.

Not to say it was easy – one day I was so sad that I was afraid I’d never snap out of it. But it passed, and from that point on it got easier. Kind of like a fever breaking. So when you’re about to snap, call your friends, your mom, your priest, make some comfort food … do anything else until the spell is broken. A few hours later when sanity resumes, you’ll be glad you did. And I promise, the roller coaster won’t last forever.

So sit on your hands – that’s my breakup tip for today.